Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
