I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
