There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
