there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
