you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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