She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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