Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
