it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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