i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
