I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
