You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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