Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
