Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
