I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
