I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
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