I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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