Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
