i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
