can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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