Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
