On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
