I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
