i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
