I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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