I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
