Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
