you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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