My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
