I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'd cum for enchiladas.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
