Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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