If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
