I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
