I think I am morally bankrupt
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And then my night got REAL pukey
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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