She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
