dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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