i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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