Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
