She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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