That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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