my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
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dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
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Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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