my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
