I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
