Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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