I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
