im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
