i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
