Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
