allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
