I want to have your abortion
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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