Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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