Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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