Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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