There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
