I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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