Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
