I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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