He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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