Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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